Arlington, Virginia — The stakes were high for Boston Dynamics, a division of Google, who had spent 3 years and $32 million USD developing a robotic, autonomous hauling platform that would revolutionize Marine Corps combat operational logistics and ‘lighten their load’ in the global theater of operations.
“With the way our government butchers foreign policy, US Marines are deployed in 107 countries globally, from guarding poppy fields in Afghanistan, training ‘moderate rebels’ in Syria, Iraq, and Libya, to covert operations in other countries that have not bent to the will of our glorious country which if I told you, I would have to choke you out and murder you. It got to the point where I got fed-up of the bitching and complaints from the Marines about having to haul 200 kg of equipment into the field, so we started looking for a cutting-edge solution that would allow our Marines to move deeper into an area of operations and allow them to function longer without the need for re-supply, which could jeopardize a mission and leave the marines vulnerable. Typically the marines would have to haul all of their equipment on their backs, and are limited by their physical carrying ability, so operations were limited to only 5-7 days, said Commander Canford Frillpop of the US Marine Corps.
Our intention with partnering with Boston Dynamics “Big Dog” autonomous robotic hauling solution, was to have the platform do the heavy lifting for the marines, and literally "take the weight off their shoulders”, and increase their stamina and morale in the field. The Big Dog, in theory, would carry more weight, and operate autonomously and stealthily, and follow the Marines commands. This solution would also extend mission length with more ammunition and supplies available, and prevent risky resupply drops.” touted Frillpop.
Frillpop continues: "After 20 minutes of testing the Big Dog hauling platform, we noticed that it was noisier than a drummer-boy on crystal meth, and several Marines reported intense ringing in their ears and intense muscle contractions in their upper temporal lobes. It was so loud that it announced the presence of my team up to 275 meters away, putting the Marines in danger from enemy combatants, even ones with partial or total hearing loss, and even perhaps the dead in a local fucking cemetery. Corporal Rengthronk said 'It sounded like an industrial-grade high-speed Vitamix Blender trying to frappe a handful of steel bolts and M80 firecrackers'. A decibel meter was used to measure the sound level, of the Big Dog, which clocked in at 130 Db — equivalent to that of a NASA Shuttle launch.
After a 3 second meeting with the Marines, we unanimously agreed that the Big Dog was a certified piece of dogshit, and told Google/Boston Dynamics to go fuck themselves. Sure we’ll continue using Google to search for and buy useless shit on the web and get further into crippling debt, but they need to stick to what they know, as clearly they couldn’t engineer their way out of a wet paper bag."
The US Marine Corps eventually settled on their fall back hauling platform using a special breed of tactical donkey's codenamed ‘Harold’ from Dave’s Donkey Farms LLC. One unnamed Marine was quoted as saying: “What really blew us all away was how quiet and talented Harold was compared to the Big Dog. Although it stunk like satan's anus, the technology was so life-like and amazing. It’s incredible what some of these tech companies can come up with."
A Boston Dynamics spokesperson could not be reached for comment.