Saturday, October 10, 2015

US Military Strategy Think Tank Develops Innovative Solution So the Russians Can Distinguish The "Good" Terrorists from the "Bad"

Santa Monica, California -- In the theater of combat operations, military organizations spend billions of dollars per year of taxpayer money, as well as money acquired through black ops and shadow government operations researching new techniques and developing more advanced technology on how to more effectively coordinate operations between its various military branches, and other coalition forces.

Without collaboration and constant communications in battle between air, ground, and sea forces, the result can be a cornucopia of fuck ups that require copious amounts of cover ups, assassinations, and creative story writing for media purposes to relay a deformed and deranged story to the people for consumption.

One of our reporters had a chance to meet with up with two of Rand Corp's Defense and Foreign Intelligence Strategists Priller Mortoff and Torpek Wilritt:

"Torpek and I, along with our team of strategy consultants sat down with key stakeholders from DoD who spoke in length about the problem of how close support attack aircraft have been tearing ground troops a new asshole in the field due to the inability of the pilots to distinguish friendly and enemy combatants, said Mortoff.  After a 14 hour marathon brainstorming session and 49 cups of coffee later, we had come up with enough preliminary information to provide our think tank for a solid solution strategy, which was aimed at minimizing casualties of allied ground troops and foreign backed moderate rebels/terrorists from friendly fire." 
"The challenge was enormous." quipped Priller, especially in lieu of our think tank's previous contributions of some of the most innovative developments to improve ground combat operations available, such as including a pack of Tropical Jolly Ranchers in soldiers ration packs to improve morale, to the development of quick release rear hatches on combat pants for tactical shitting under fire.  Several weeks after our submission, our head of Research and Development Brian Fringstone had called Torpek and I into a meeting to review the results.  We were literally blown away with what they came up with.  They never cease to impress." 
"Brian and his team had come up against and solved difficult challenges before, but this was on a completely new level stated Morloff.  After 14 weeks, Fringstone and his team developed a specialized tactical vest overlay called AVAGS (Aerial Visibility and Ground Support) that was a direct bolt on to existing soldier combat vests.  The genius in Brian's design was using the intense fluorescent orange color and aerial strobe light indicators to alert close air support pilots "who was who" on the battlefield.   
The new AVAGS high visibility strobe vest also gave ground combat troops unprecedented flexibility to use different high intensity material vest colors and lights to distinguish the various units, even in night missions."  Morloff continued.  The key to the success of the new vest platform -- especially at night was the strobe light which could be configured in 16.7 million different colors putting out an impressive 10,000 lumens of brightness, which could be easily seen with the human eye and with a variety of night vision and infrared systems up to 10 miles away so the position and quantity of ground troops can easily be identified from the air."

After thorough combat testing and quality assurance iterations, the prototype was showcased to officials at the DoD who immediately gave the new AVAGS platform the green light for active operations overseas and was adapted to the heterogenous groups of terrorists and moderate rebels operating in and around Syria.

The AVAGS system went into active duty with various flavors of CIA backed "moderate rebels" fighting Bashar Al-Assad initially in Al-Raqqa, Syria August 27/2015.  Agreements made under the Geneva Convention allowed all terrorist and rebel groups to have access to the AVAGS platform using funding from the Human Rights Watch organization, so commanders now had accurate, real-time visibility on the theater of combat.  The implementation of the AVAGS platform wasn't without drama, but eventually all terrorist and moderate rebel groups eventually agreed on a lighting color which best represented their individual cause.

An unnamed source close to the Pentagon stated: "Now we can finally fucking see who the fuck is who -- even at night.  Also the high discharge 'second-sun' strobe lights increased the efficiency of our weapon and supply airdrops to our CIA backed moderate rebels from 14% to a resounding 90%, due to the high intensity of AVAGS strobe lights.  We finally had a solution that worked."

The AVAGS platform was in service for 7 days, until the resulting massive casualties in the field had forced US CENTCOM to eventually retire the system, in favor of an intricate system of hand-held flags reminiscent of the battles from the movie "Braveheart".  The remaining AVAGS units were eventually auctioned off to the Elvis Skydiving troupe in Las Vegas, and various public schools back in the US which were used to enforce by student crosswalk patrol.

The Russian military deny their successful airstrikes were attributed to the AVAGS platform citing their "pure unadulterated skill and hardened combat experience that led to the massive terrorist bodycount."

Thursday, October 8, 2015

ISIS Slams US for Delivering Toyota Pickups in White Rather Than Desert Trim

Washington DC – With the Russians formally entering the fray in Syria at the end of September at the behest of Bashar Al-Assad, Russian air sorties have created a “hell on Earth” for ISIS and has thrown a proverbial wrench into their plans of consolidating a caliphate, and bringing freedom and democracy to the sovereign people of Syria.

For the past 4 years Syria’s Bashar Al-Assad has been involved in a brutal war, which has been waged against his country, who Assad blames “foreign meddling”, which definitely has absolutely nothing to do with any plans of gas pipelines that need to traverse Syria from Qatar to supply Europe. 

Eventually, the Syrians had requested the direct assistance of the Russians who have come to Syria’s aid, and conducted airstrikes which have taken out numerous weapon factories, fuel depots, bomb caches, suicide belt factories, several fruit stands, and a make shift outdoor BBQ restaurant called Waad’s in a small town occupied by ISIS forces.   The 24/7 Russian air bombardments by the Russians had also destroyed about 40% of ISIS infamous Toyota trucks, leaving ISIS soldiers with no AC wearing black outfits in the desert sun.

Anonymous sources close to Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi, the ISIS Grand Pubah and leading caliphate candidate after a successive round of tryouts, was quoted as saying after the Russian airstrikes:

“Initially when we started our journey to declare a new caliphate, we needed fucking wheels to get around in the 110 F desert heat, so we had gone online to the Toyota website and had selected the Toyota Land Cruiser VXR edition with an exterior color of “Creamy Sand” with matching leather interior, sunroof for mounting weapon turrets, 8 way power seats with cooling, and cruise control for when we travel in a convoy and have our pictures taken while we’re shooting in the air and waving our flags.

We then sent our specifications to our US contacts for procurement.”  Abu Bakr continues: “Instead, we received a fleet of base spec white Toyota Hilux trucks with none of the options that we selected online.  I was fucking furious.  I was more furious than when we were told not to actually execute one of our prisoners on camera, but rather use the movie studio and green screen in Tel Aviv to “stage” the execution. 
At first we couldn’t figure it out at first how the Russians were finding us so easily.  After much debate, and several executions later, we figured out that the white paint job was giving away our position to jets and attack helicopters, who were sending my acolytes to paradise prematurely.”

The US has condemned Russia’s airstrikes and has called for “moderate rebel jihad” against the Russian usurpers.  Throughout the bombing campaign, Russian military command had released controversial footage of the airstrikes, which has resulted in a propaganda salvo of stories denying the poor color choices of ISIS vehicles as the prime reason for the successful Russian airstrikes.

An unnamed Russian pilot who had flown several sorties in Syria had stated: “It wasn’t difficult locating a convoy of stark white trucks against a sandy backdrop. The terrorists also stopped frequently and took group photos.   I couldn’t believe that the previous airstrikes from NATO coalition forces had not been able to have such luck, so we ‘lit those motherfuckers up’.  It was like shooting terrorists in a barrel.”

The US-NATO command could not be reached for comment.